My life has been in limbo and I don't like the feeling. I've been on a journey over the last 4 years to be in ministry. My first thought was to have a bigger role as a lay person within my church and then I started to feel God calling me to do something even larger. I kept feeling the nudge to look into becoming a Local Pastor in the United Methodist Church. Maybe I shouldn't say nudge but call. Over the last 2 years that is the direction that I have felt led to go. I have taken all the steps, answered questions, taken tests and in November was declared a certified candidate for ministry. So what does that mean? Well, in the United Methodist Church it means that I am now on the list to be appointed to a church. And that is what has me feeling like my life is in limbo. I have felt like my life is in the hands of the Bishop and Cabinet of District Superintendents and not my own. Starting in January and February each year the Bishop and Cabinet start preparing and working towards setting up the appointments. If you are one waiting to hear, it can be a very stressful time until you receive a call. I have not received a call yet. You see, when you receive the call you have a decision to make. Do I take it or do I decline. If you take it then you meet with the church leaders and if everything looks and feels right, you have a church. Your life then has direction. You know where you are going and when it is happening. During the time of waiting for a call, your life is in limbo. It's hard to make plans for vacation. You're not sure if you should make decisions on doing anything in your church for the next program year because you're not sure if you are going to be there. It's a hard place to be. During this time my moods have been like a roller coaster ride. One minute I'm fine with not getting called and the next I'm upset. I started to question what it was God wanted me to do. Maybe my place is not in the pulpit but creating a stronger women's ministry at my church or maybe I need to look for other options in another denomination. I have had the most restless nights of sleep that I have had to take a Tylenol PM just to get a full nights sleep once in a while. It has been driving me crazy!! I have questioned myself and God and have not received any answers. That is until today.
Today as I sat at work I had an "Ah Ha" moment. Who am I to question God? Who am I to doubt what it is God has been working within me? Who am I to question myself and my abilities? Who am I to try and figure it out on my own and make decisions that may not benefit me and may go against God's plans?
God has a plan for me and even though I can't see the end result I shouldn't try and second guess him or myself. If I don't get called to be in the pulpit then it just means God has something else planned. Maybe God wants me to work a little bit more and fine tune what I have been doing. Maybe God is waiting to open another door that will result in something bigger and better than I ever thought possible. Maybe, just maybe God is in control and I'm not. "Wham", that's the thought that set my head spinning.
God is in control. The funny thing is, is that on Sunday I preached at my church I grew up in, giving them God's message that he is in control. That we are not to worry or be anxious about anything but instead we should spend that time in prayer. It was a message from Philippians 4:1-9. It is a great passage and this "pastor to be" should have been listening to her own words. Sometimes the one who needs to hear it the most is the one speaking the words. God has quite the sense of humor!!!!
So I sit here waiting, but not in limbo. I'm going to go about my days doing what I normally do. I'll look at new Bible studies. I'll read the books I purchased on how to develop a strong Women's Ministry. I'll fill in at the pulpit for other churches. I'll research new material for next year's women's retreat. What I will not do is worry or question God. I will not spend anymore time trying to decipher what it is I am suppose to do. I won't spend time looking at the calendar and planning alternate vacation dates. I will set the date and plan our vacation to Little Blueberry Lake. I will live my life each day knowing that God is the Master Designer of my life and I will stand in the presence of his mighty hand as he directs the stars, paints the most beautiful colors across the universe and prepares for me a journey worth waiting for.